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lebaraaann

it's been a while since i spent lebaran at home..
the past few years i was always in Aussie..
and it's nice to be back home, being with my grandma, and relatives.

nothing feels good than being surrounded by ur families.

as few might've known, my family is a mixed of here and there..
which has its good and down side to it..

the good side, i get to celebrate both christmas and eid mubarak.. haha
and that means FOOD!

*slurp..

honestly, i liked the food at my aunts place.. oh wait, I loved it!!
hahaha it's been ages since i last ate ketupat with all of its side dishes..

siiighhh..

i want lebaran food all over again!

hypocrite.

seem close

yet far awayy..

feeling like such a hypocrite!

when did I ever become like this?

i was better, way better. *at least i thought so*

what happened to me?

do people change that quickly?

when we're placed in a new environment, do we really adapt to survive?

so is this my way of surviving?

If it is, then either way im not surviving.

it's killing me slowly.

imperfection is humane

I am so far from perfection. very, very far from it.

Just maklumin gw, once in a while.

I'm still human. with no intention of hurting anyone.

but most times, i think about myself more than i do about others.

so, slap me in the face! wake me up!

bring me back to the right way..

hopefully i become a better me in the coming days.

falling and falling

tuesday.

I took the step to tell my parents to pray together before i went to work.
It has been ages since we last did that. Have been feeling guilty and i just wanna get my priority right. I've been asking God for too many things, way beyond what i deserve, so i guess this would be the first step i could do.

oh well, hopefully its not just a one time thing.

verse of the day. Rom 9.. nothing could ever separate me from Your love..

another youth meeting tomorrow, regarding the one day retreat.
Gosh my pastor just wants everything to be accelerize.. in less than 2 weeks? are you kidding me..
it sure is the right time to test whether my obedience is strong or not.

my concern: just want Gods will and time. want us to prepare it well. I hate being in a rush.

btw, everyone (well nearly everyone) wore red and white at the office - 3A floor only..celebrating indo's independence dayy,, thank God i wasnt the only one wearing blue.. *saltum

Merdeka!!

Baru buat video nih, didedikasikan buat Negara Republik Indonesiaaa!!!
tapi sedikit lebay sih videonyaa.. hahaha.. jadi malu ndiri..
baru buat jam 12an tadi pagi,, secara orang2 bakal upacara, tapi gw bakal dirumah tidur.. biar ga ngerasa bersalah, yasudah deh bikin Video ini!!

saya cinta Indonesiaaa...

>> khusus hari ini, post dalam bahasa Indonesia!! ngerasa bersalah klo make bhs Inggris..!! Bahasa Indonesia rocks!! *loh* hahaha

do you realize....?

stumble into love?

sitting on the passengers seat during my way back home has led my mind to wander about a few things... one of them is LOVE.. *of course*

who actually invented the saying "Falling in love"? why did s/he even put love and fall in one sentence? did the person think that love was actually a mistake/accident and therefore comparing it with 'falling down'?
why didnt s/he call it 'stumbling in love?' 'collapsing in love?' 'rising in love?' 'knocked down in love?' an the list just goes on...

well speaking of love..
i was kinda reflecting about how i react when i do fall in love..
and it's actually simple.. i become somebody else. im not like myself.
i act weird. i become quieter than before (where im already usually quiet).. i give weird signals here and there. people may think that i hate them.

oh wait. sorry. wrong one..
those symptoms i mentioned above.. are usually when i like someone (without the person knowing).. or what i like to call "stumble into love"

stumble?
- to trip or miss one's step in walking, running, etc.
- to walk or go in an unsteady or awkward manner, as from age, weakness, etc.
- to speak, act, or proceed in a confused, blundering manner to stumble through a speech
- to fall into sin or error; do wrong
- to come by chance; happen to stumble across a clue

cause that's the phase where you actually decide whether you still want to stay in that LOVE or you realize that the stumbling was just an accident, and you want to rise up back again.. it's the phase where you're confused with your own feeling and still tryna figure out what they mean or why they're there.

and then the confirmation comes. He does like you. You like him back. He deserves a chance and ta daa....

so you fall in love..


then you decide its the greatest decision you've made, and that you do want to stay in that place called love..


so you stay in love...

the REAL me?

Have you ever felt that you know who you really are, but then all of a sudden you're faced with a new circumstance and then you react differently than how you think you would?

and you start to wonder, "Why did I do that?".. "I dont think that's how I would have reacted."

....

I have been feeling different lately.

Have I actually changed?

or is this the real me that's actually showing?

I've been dissapointed with myself lately. The way i handle things or react to problems is just not ME.

I should have known better.

i know i cant please everyone, but its not about pleasing them. Its more about the right thing to do.

and the right thing for me to do now is to STOP and CHANGE.

So help me, God!

this empty-ness.

I miss waking up and saying 'Good morning' to you.

I miss hearing Ur words when im walking down the street.

I miss having the desire to actually talk with You.

I miss getting all the spontaneous msg's or warnings You give me.

I miss saying my thanks and good nite before I close my eyes.

overall.

I miss You, Lord.

Forgive me for my ignorance. Laziness. and everything else that I've put before you.

dont ever pass me by.

My CommBank Journey

ello.. ello..

cant believe it's been 2 months since i last blogged. I've been tied up.
So much that i want to post, but just the thought of typing it all made me exhausted.

Kinda feel like writing about my journey into Commonwealth Bank. I've been looking back recently, and I know that The BIG Guy up there was the one that planned this all for me. It fits so right, every single piece.

Lets start.

July 2008
I stumbled into a web ad about the Indonesian Festival 2008 in Melbourne. The PPIA (Indonesian Students Association in Australia) had a partneship with some companies that were looking for Indonesians students studying in Melbourne. There were Commonwealth Bank, ANZ, Petrosea and others. So I applied.


August 2008
I got an email saying that my resume has been accepted and I was called for interview during the Indonesian Festival. A few companies couldnt send their representatives to Melbourne, so it ended up only CommBank, ANZ and Petrosea.
Petrosea & CommBank's interview fell on the saturday, whilts ANZ was on the Sunday.
I loved my interview with Petrosea & CommBank. (i'll skip the petrosea & ANZ part, since this is all about CommBank)
The Commonwealth Bank was the second interview, which came to be a very unique interview. There were 2 interviewers, Pak Denny & Pak Tjipto. It began very cliche, what do I know about CBA, why I want to work there and so forth. But then I came to a part where I asked questions about them & CBA and they became very enthusiastic in explaining it all to me. I also experience something that I have never ever have before in any of my past interviews:
1) We spoke about Ministry. Can you believe it?!! I couldnt. They asked me whether I wanted to work in Indo or in Aussie when I graduate. And i came clean. I said, everything is in Indo, but I'm involve with a ministry for teenagers in Melbourne, and its making me hard to choose. (fyi, I was honest bcoz i knew they had the same faith as me). And they told me that ministry can be anywhere. Even in the office can be a ministry.
2) One of the interviewers said that they had a DeJaVu the moment they were interviewing me. And he asked me whether I know what dejavu meant, and i said no. He told me that it means in the past God has already given him a vision that this was gonna happen. Unreal!
They were really supportive. Even though they knew I planned to work in Aussie first, They told me to contact them when im on vacation to Jakarta and have a chat with them. Who knows i change my mind, they said.
since that moment, I became interested in CommBank.

Nov 2008
i made my mind up that I would try and find a job in Melbourne and stay there for another year. I quit my current job at Woodland Group after working there for 1,5 years. Commbank, Petrosea & Anz? 2010 probably i'll contact them again.

December 2008
Exactly during my Graduation ceremony, I had phonecall from Jakarta - Commonwealth Bank. My dad was right beside me and heard me said 'Commonwealth Bank Jakarta?'. They invited me to come to a psikotest on January 6th, and asked whether I would already be in Jakarta by then. I couldnt lie, my dad was beside. so I said yes.
Tried applying jobs in Melbourne, but my agent told me to apply when I come back from Indo, which is around Feb 09.

January 2009
I came late to the Commonwealth test. my family had a feeling that I wasnt trying hard enought for the test and they didnt see any eagerness in me.
Yeah, they lectured me quite a lot. Questioning why i want to be in Melbourne so much. Little did they know that the answer was right in front of them (okay, different topic :P)
I didnt hear any news from Commonwealth for around 3-4 weeks. Thought i wasnt accepted. it was alright. honestly - it was really okay.
my families kept asking "have u heard from them? have they called you?" nope. nadaa. dont worry, im getting a job in Melbourne! or so i say :P

February 2009
Another phonecall came, surprisingly it was from CommBank. inviting me to another test, but this time it was for the Credit Analyst. Okay, I accepted the invitation.
Again, i came late. it was unintentional, but i thought it was just not meant to be. Coming late to 2 tests? Come on, that's just so not me.

the next week, i was invited to the FGD. I didnt think I did my best, but i just surrendered it all.
afterwards, they called me for an interview with the BoD on the following day.
okay, that was fast!

And then it was medical check up time - Right before I was flying back to Melbourne.
This was tough, because if i got accepted in CommBank, i had to come back to Jakarta for good. That was the deal with my dad.

I went through the Med Check Up, but that was just 90% of confirmation. I havent signed anything yet, i was not 100% sure i had been accepted. And i didnt want to be sure, because i wanted to stay in Melbourne.

i've renewed my apatment contract, i've applied my for 1,5years visa in Aussie, i've contacted the recruitment agent. I've planned it all for me to go and stay in Melbourne.

I told the HR that i needed to go back to melbourne to pack all my stuff. She said it's fine since the program starts early April. okay, so I had 1 month to pack in Melbourne and say all my good byes.. =(

March 2009
Seriously guys, 1 month to pack up and handle all the papers, etc. That was just too hectic! The stuff that I haf there is way too much, since they were my sisters' stuff as well. It was really God's grace that I could pack 30 boxes, handle all the apartment matters,finding new apartment &housemate for my current housemate, ministry matters and so on. I even started selling my furnitures 2 weeks before I left, and that was crazy!! but everything was sold just in time. really.. God's grace..

from then on i knew that if it was His plan, He'll take care of everything.

oh yeah, i signed the contract the very next day i arrived from Melbourne. :)


April 2009 - June 2009
and here I am, being one of the Graduates. With 15 new friends, they're also the reason i knew it wasnt a mistake to sign my life away for the next 2 years.

oh about those 15 new friends i have made, i'll make another post about them. they're just the greatest! (well, at least most of them are)

gotta go now!
cheers!

"Nothing in me that I may boast of, since all that I have accomplished are simply God's grace in my life" - honestly from the heart.

confession of the homesick gal

People get so confused when I say that I miss Melbourne terribly much.
even my parents, well my dad especially. He thinks that i have a guy over there, which makes me like Melbourne more.

i dont blame them. I mean, my friends from childhood, church friends, high school friends, relatives and families are all in Jakarta. So why should I miss Aus?? Even I hated the thought of going to Melbourne before I moved there. And now to say that I havent felt like home yet in jakarta, you guys must think I'm crazy.

Now for the confession time.
One of the strong reasons i feel the way I do is,... get ready guys,,,
Is because I can escape from reality when I'm in Melbourne.
Being away from everything that's truly important to me, made me shift my focus and thoughts from them. I can act fine, normal, as if as I have a perfectly normal life.
I was not indenial, i was just ignorant.
I didnt want to care that much, since my thought was focused on personal life, ministry, etc when I was in Melbourne.
I just handed over those cares and concerns to those that were in Indonesia. my thoughts were "okay, im not in Jakarta. So that's not my problem atm. Let me just focus on my studies". I do pray about it, but that was just it.

Now that Im in Jakarta, everything is so different. Life has come to reality. and I am left with no choice but to deal with it. huu
but if Melbourne was my training ground, i guess God thinks im actually ready to face this all. I wanna believe in that.

Just to set things straight, my personal life seems great. My family's are all fine and healthy.
But there's more to things than just the physical/financial matter.
and that is where my reality comes in.

thoughts from Lipstick Jungle :P

I’d be a fool if I do something for everyone else except for myself. – lipstick jungle

The second I heard that sentence, I thought to myself and said “how true is that?”
Everything that I’m doing or have done, are they all based on the intention to please everyone else? Or are they based on my fear of looking like a fool if I don’t do what seems right? I have to change, and start thinking about myself.

But then the second passed away, and another thought overcome the previous one. What about the verse that says “It no longer I who lives but Christ lives in me.”? Some of thoughts from the previous paragraph were right, but rather than start thinking about myself, I need to put my heart and focus on His heart and His focus. No more living for the world. No more living for myself. But I’m living for His purpose and His plans. Because no matter what it is, His intentions will always be for my very best.

I may look like a fool for doing what seems uncommon to the world, but help me Lord that I’ll stay in your path always.

in doubt

Have you every felt that you’re not doing the right thing? Not making the right choices? It seems good and everything that it offers seems great, but then again it’s not what you want?

I’m feeling that at the moment.

I thank God that I can be in Jakarta again. That everything fits just right. All of the things I needed were actually provided for me in the right time. And my family - they are happy – so should I.

But why is that I keep on looking back? I keep on thinking that I should have searched for jobs in Melbourne? And how I loved to stay there longer.

This homesick phase is letting me feel that I made the wrong decision.

Did I? Will all the doors to a path be wide open – only to lead me to the wrong path? But if so, then why would all the doors to the other path be closed tight? Was I meant to persevere for a little while? Did I really make all the choices in a hurry, without thinking twice? I prayed and prayed, but did I listen to His voice?


*sigh*

you know what. I should wake up! Smell the fresh air and just live my best for today!
I know that His grace and mercy is new for me each day. And even though if I may have made the wrong path, but by His grace He is able to change it for the better.
Start looking forward, stop looking back. He has a plan for me here and right now.

random

Sepertinya liburan kali ini membawa gw smakin menjauh.

Gw jadi ga tau apa yang mesti gw ngelakuin.

Don't have the enthusiasm to do anything.

My future, my plans. Why am I so clueless all of a sudden?


2 hari yg lalu kyknya salah satu mlm terburuk selama bbrp taun ini.

anehnya gw ga trlalu terpengaruh. gak sedih. gak marah.

tetap ngejalanin hari sperti biasanya. tanpa plan.

heran.

what's wrong with me?


Should I go back to Melbourne asap? So i can just runaway from it all?

*wake up, dewi. New year. be a new person!*

need

Long term vision & mision:

- help & give to the homeless kids/beggars (they're our nations future guys)

- make a cupcake store (dunt even kno how to make cupcakes :S)

- be an environmentalist

- influence & change my country (dunno how, seems impos)

so help me God.

thank God it's Friday

Honestly, im kinda embarassed at the moment.
After knowing that a few of my church friends actually stopped by this blog.
Feels a bit weird, cause other than Tara, the other's are just cyber-friends whom i havent actualy met. So its a bit awkward for ur 'real' friends to actualy know what's actually on ur mind. haha.. oh well, got nothing to hide, rite? :P well I better stop putting up humiliating videos of me singing!! hahahaha

anyways, just a short post before i start cleaning up my apartment.

I had quite a fun interesting day today. I hung out with people that I haven't actually hung out with before, which was quite interesting. I was introduced to a guy who was actually working at Dun&Bradstreet. The weird thing was that I actually tried to apply work in there yesterday. It kinda shocked me when I heard that company's name, coz I've been going to Dun&Bradstreet website the whole day yesterday, trying to read more about the company. And when this guy knew I was looking for a job, he instantly said 'Oh I can help you out there'. Little did he know that I actually applied there yesterday so I told him that I'll be going back to indo for 2 months, and will let him know when I get back. It seems more than a coincidence. From all of the companies there are in Melbourne, why did he have to work at D&B, the company that I've been reading about and applying job there. Well, dont wanna get my hopes up:)

Oh yeah, I also had my medical check up today! for immigration purposes :)
Urine test - check!
Height, weight, Eye test - check!
HIV Blood test - check!
Blood pressure and general examination - check!
X-Ray - Check!

i was really anxious of the HIV Blood Test! I know I dont have HIV, but i was just so paranoid. Somehow i imagined the nurse being such an evil person, who uses an HIV-infected needles to take the patients' blood, and spread the virus to everyone! I know, i've been watching too many movies :S
the mean thing was that the nurse laughed at me cause he knew that I was scared. He had that smirk on his face the whole time.. hiks hiks..

another funny thing was the X-Ray.
The nurse told me to take my top & underwear off but she didnt tell me what to wear.
so out of my naiveness I said "Do I not wear anything?"
and she just laughed at me..
hello???! that is not an answer...

lastly, the X-Ray test.
the guy told me to take a deep breath, and i was confused!! all because of CHOIR!!!
hahahahaha... all these times while singing, i've been trying to make it a habit for me to take the correct type of breath - which is from the stomache - not from the chest. So when the guy told me to take a deep breath, I automatically breathed in from my stomached not from my chest (coz my stomache was the one that became bigger, and not the chest part) and the whole point of the X-Ray was the chest part. so i guess i really did take the wrong type of breathe! oh no!! and the guy only took 1 photo.. no retaking... hiks hiks
hmmm I have to blame Ko Ivan for this one... for making it a habit to breathe from the stomache...

sigh! oh well.. i guess it's up to God know for the results.. :P
should be alright..


i know this is out of the topic... but wordpress!! man, looking at my friends moving from blogspot to wordpress just makes me wanna move!
be content dewi, be content. lol

oh yeah, i have been thinking about grace lately. Not my sister grace, but the actual GRACE itself. so my next post will probably be about that. cant wait!

getting stronger

please

I feel like i wanna scream..

I feel like i wanna explode..

I feel like I wanna cry...

I feel like i just want to know the answer..

tired of proving the rights or wrong..
so tired of explaining my point of view, since its totally different to yours..
yeah i know you love me, and you want what's best for me, but please just know it's my life and i think it's time for me to make decisions as well.

Overspiritual? is there ever such a thing called overspiritual??
how is it that one can be too spiritual? is there a level that we're too close to God and its wrong?
is overspiritual even biblical?

oh my GOSH!!

im so not going to the fact that we go to different denominations. that should not be a problem since our 'manual book' is the same.

now please, go do what you want to do.
let me find out from HIM what His plans for me are.

i need to find that on my own.

without people forcing their plans on me.

No, that's not what I need.